While I must say that I'm flattered by your repeated blow job offers I regret to inform you that Lionel Hand Sr. doesn't swing that way unless I am monetarily compensated. There may have been that one time in Bangkok, but you must understand that I was really drunk and she never told me she was a man. Then there was that other time in Istanbul, but I swear I thought that guy floating in the river was surely dead.

I'm also awaiting a reply in my challenge to dual you at Chinese Checkers to the death. I have been camped out at Missy MacDigglestien's house patiently awaiting your response. I've been passing the time by pulling up individual fibers from the carpet and fashioning various lengths of rope out of them. I will then tie these lengths together and use it hoist up Missy's couch into a pine tree where I can sit comfortably and monitor the way her neighbor suspiciously rakes his yard. I think he may be a KGB spy.

Anyway, I have my three sided dice and my Chinese Checkers mallet, so when ever you grow a backbone you just let me know where and I'll be there various sizes of bells on. That way you'll be able to hear the sound of your impending doom!

I'M YOUR MOTHER NOW!,
Lionel Hand, Sr.
Heat Seeking Legal Attack Yeti and Pro Wrestler
Hand and Foot Law Offices

From: "john Sunol" <john_sunol1@hotmail.com>
To: null@trephination.net, legal@trephination.net
Subject: Re: Citysearch

Tell Lionel Hand to go and get stuffed.

I am not interested in a blow job by a poof and pervert like Lionel Hand

That is it, end of story.

John Christolpher Sunol speaking

From: Captain Orangutang <captain_orangutang@trephination.net>
To: "john Sunol" <john_sunol1@hotmail.com>
Subject: Hail, Evildoer

Greetings, foul miscreant.

As the world's first, best and snazziest ape superhero, I believe it my calling to combat villiany wherever it occurs. And you, buster, are one of the worst examples of cyberspace offal I have ever had the bad break to behold. I'm giving you one chance to change your ways, mend your fences, sit up and fly straight, before I begin my biped-hunt ("manhunt" just didn't seem applicable) to bring you to the firm fondle of justice. Rain on my parade and I'll bring the thunder.

Toodles,
Captain Orangutang writing

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "john Sunol" <john_sunol1@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Citysearch

Dear Animate Object,

I must ask you to desist in offering me sexual favors. This is sexual harassment, which as you know is currently illegal in South Africa and is also most likely illegal where ever I live as well. I am not, I repeat NOT interested in having a threesome with your estranged wife and Sidney Poitier. While Sidney Poitier is rather dreamy your wife starkly reminds me of Skeletor, the villainous bad guy from the cartoon "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe". I remember being terrified of this skull faced villain when I was at the young and impressionable age of 43. I used to have nightmares because of that animated terror and the sight of your wife's picture and the reviving of the new He-Man series has rekindled all of those old fears. Suffice to say, I can't adequately monitor the neighbor for KGB spy activity when my sleep schedule is being disrupted by these phantasms of an evil creature that's been disfigured by a spooge of acid to the face.

If your strict Hindu faith allows it I'd suggest that you purchase your wife one of those masks that Cobra Commander had in the nightmare educing cartoon GI Joe. While your at it you should purchase one for yourself because I don't think it's very fair that we be subjected to your grotesque appearances. I have taken the time to create a picture of what you two would look like while wearing these fashionable helmets you can see it here.

http://www.trephination.net/uploads/Sunol.jpg

Pretty slick huh? I think you'll find that these head buckets will not only cut down on the frequency of you hearing, "DEAR GOD WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS!", but they'll also help protect your bulbous heads next time you fall down a well.

By the way, I'm billing you for the time it took me to create that image.

Have a snacktacular day!
Lionel Hand, Sr.
Heat Seeking Legal Attack Yeti and Pro Wrestler
Hand and Foot Law Offices

From: "john Sunol" <john_sunol1@hotmail.com>
To: null@trephination.net, legal@trephination.net
Subject: Re: Citysearch

Lets forget it as I know that I am right and you lot are wrong. i will never give in.

Not unless I am taken out completely and put out of action.

John Christopher Sunol

From: "john Sunol" <john_sunol1@hotmail.com>
To: null@trephination.net, legal@trephination.net
Subject: Re: Citysearch

Well then, why don't you make it happen or you can't can you.

eh !!!

John Christopher Sunol speaking

From: Salty Cracker <null@trephination.net>
To: "john Sunol" <john_sunol1@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Citysearch

Oh sure, now you start talking all big and bad now that Lionel has gone on his by-monthly business trip. Funny how you can ignore Lionel's challenge to duel you, but as soon as he leaves town to smuggle some Mexicans across the Arizona border you turn into a fat Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'll have you know that I informed Lionel of your little spat of bravery. He called me last night from his cell phone while he was blasting through a secret tunnel five miles beneath the Pacific Ocean floor on his rocket powered go-cart from the future. I was amazed at how clear call reception was despite there being eighteen miles of sand, rock, gravel, water and pudding between Lionel and the surface of the ocean. The mole men that created those tunnels didn't really design them with cell phones in mind, partially because Lionel hadn't invented them yet.

Anyway, Lionel says that he'll be returning on Wednesday and that he was "ready to put foot to ass and defend the honor of the Canadian people" whom you've insulted with your cowardly acts. He also wanted me to inform you that he has been elevated to 35th Grand Puba Champion Master Chinese Checkers God in the international standings after defeating the Japanese grand master Lord Buckingham in a new world record time of .5 seconds with his Chinese Checkers Sub Industrial Strength Lubricant. He wanted me to tell you that he's "pumped up and ready to get down and dirty in a good clean fight". So you just name the time and place girly man and Lionel will be ready to throw you a hurtin with the Checkers! BOOOYA!

What ya gonna do bout dat BEEIATCH!
Mercedes