Dear Master Mason:

I heard from sources that a wicked man by the name of "John Watson" a head warlock for the church of Satan has come to Australia from the US to attack me. This man supposedly the third from the head of the world.

Tell him from me that he can go back to hell where he comes from. I am not frightened of anyone who is with Satan as Satan or him has no control over me.

I have Jesus Christ living within me and the Holy Spirit can nock him out within a few seconds. He can not hurt me or upset me, If I am killed I will go to heaven to be with God but if he dies he shurly will go to Hell for eternity.

Also i am going to expose Freemasonarey for what it is, in co-hoots with Satan and out to destroy the earth. I will also exposed the black ball in Australia and it will be stopped, I can promise you that.

So the war is on, good vs evil and I am on the winning side which is the good.

All freemasonary is also of the devil as I have learned secrets up to 33rd level with ex masons who came out of Masonary. I will expose this as fraud and evil works. End of story, John Watson from the US has no effect over me.

I will also expose the new Mardi Gras as being evil and that is that.

John Christopher Sunol speaking

Why are you people sending me emails?

I have never corresponded with any of you ever. My email address was
picked up in newsgroup and I really have no idea what any of this is all
about.

Please leave me out of your fight and remove my address from your lists.

Please

From: Captain Orangutang <capatian_orangutang@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: gutless wonder - message to Master mason and John Watson- head warlock

Dear Malefactor,

First and foremost, let me apologize for taking so long to respond to this mail. However, I've recently been spending a lot of time counting my toes, and so every moment was obviously very precious. I counted them three times; the first time I counted nine, the second time twelve, and the third time my count returned an undefined response. I discarded the extraneous data and went with my average of ten and a half. But now that that is taken care of, I have the time to give your email the attention it deserves.

Secondly, I realize your wife must now be missing something on the order of twenty five days, but if the Elizabeth Smart case has taught us anything, it is that hope lives eternal (or at least until a bloody corpse is produced). Thus, I've taken the liberty of cc'ing one Lionel Hand on this correspondence, as Mr. Hand is not only a secret master of ancient sheep herding techniques, he's also an accomplished finder of missing persons. It brings a tear to my eye whenever I remember his heroic work on the Lindbergh baby case. I pray to Baal that Mr. Hand may find your wife before it is too late, and return her only slightly defiled.

Finally, let me get to the heart of this matter. I wish to tell you that I fully support your anti-freemasonry stance. I believe that masonry should not be free, but instead should be paid for. Whenever I think of what freemasonry is doing to the fine brick-laying unions of this country, putting good men out of work left and right and left again, I'm filled with a terrible rage. It's like my dear mother always used to tell me (back in the wilds of Borneo): "Who will buy a mason when they can get the bricks for free?" Is this not America (or, in your case, some similar country whose name escapes me)? Don't we still believe in an honest day's wage for an honest day's work? As Adam Smith wrote in his slightly less famous work "The Bricks of Nations": "If the populace requires bricks then they must come up with the pesos, essa". To do my part in this War on Freemasonry, tomorrow I shall strike a blow for paid laborers everywhere by spurning the use of freemasons in the construction of my summer home in the Hamptons. But first, it's time to eat bananas and rub the peels all over my furry body. Tood-a-loo.

Signing off,
Captain Orangutang
Former Serbian War Hero and Current Defendant for Crimes Against Humanity

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: gutless wonder - message to Master mason and John Watson- head warlock

Dear Lymphnode Owner,

I have heard through the Ape vine that you have misplaced your wife and I wish to extend my professional person location services to you. Captain Orangutan exaggerates my sheep heeding abilities since electro prodding sheep was only invented within the last few centuries and cannot be considered ancient, but he is correct in his statements about my ability to find missing people. To date I have found 27 people that just happened to be standing next to me. I have been also been able to find people that are hidden someplace in the same room and even in a few rare cases, adjacent rooms as well. One time I was able to find Missy McDigglestien using a divining rod because Missy retains a lot of water, and I think I may be able to do the same with your wife.

To prepare for my arrival you should turn off all the water in your home/cave/burrow and drain the pipes as this will confuse my sonar powered divining rods. Next, remove all metallic objects from your residence, this includes all copper wiring and piping. Although, I have a sneaking suspicion that the piping in your home is made of lead, which is ok. And finally, I will need the locations and/or combinations to any safes, lock boxes, liqueur cabinets, or any other places where valuable objects are kept in your dwelling. This will help, trust me.

I hope the assistance that I offer in this time of tragedy will allow us to put our past grievances behind us and make the future a better place for your mutant children.

Lionel Hand, Sr.
Finder of Missing Persons and Owner of Three Lawn Jockeys
Hand and Foot Law Offices

Thanking you for this e-mail.

You would like to know that I have found my wife again and i want you people to shut your big mouths and keep out of this.

I only spoke to her on the phone this morning.

I am away from home for three reasons.

1. To do study as full time I am studying in a place of to great a distance to Newcastle.
2. To get some peace from you idiots so you can attack Newcastle but I am not in this place, I am away working
3. To find work as you idiots stop me in this city.

So take that and think about it again.

You lot loose.

John Christopher Sunol speaking

Thankyou very much for this, but I do nto need this now. I was only speaking to my wife on the phone last night.

My wife has not left me, like some woudl like her to, but I am away from her just as I am studying and giving her time to keep out of the way fo the idiots that are attacking me.

I will still campaign but I need time out so that I can work more effieciently

Thank you.

Tell Incc ath she is also useless as she has done nothing to create a problem for me. She only speaks through her nose.

I did use crude language before as I was rightfully angre at different people who are trouble makers, but will not use it any more.

John Christopher Sunols speaking

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: gutless wonder - message to Master mason and John Watson- head warlock

Dear Sweat Excreting Organism,

I have located your wife. Just as I suspected she was hiding behind the couch all along. I was able to flush her out with a little tear gas and the promise that I would not use the tazer on her for a second time. I understand she recently spoke to you on the phone, which proves I did my job as advertised. There were a number of small expenses that I incurred during the search which I'll be billing you for in addition of my flat fee seven beaver pelts. They were all small things, wooden stakes, aerial bombardments and such.

Lionel Hand, Sr.
Finder of Missing Persons and Owner of Three Lawn Jockeys
Hand and Foot Law Offices

And to Miss, Mrs. or Colonel Inca,

John wanted me to convey a message to you. I didn't read it very thoroughly because I have a tenancy to trail off while reading his emails. From what I can remember from it, I think he wanted you to use him as your bitch and stick things into his nose. I convey this message under duress as I do not wish to be involved with John's sex life. He keeps trying to drag me into it when I've told him repeatedly that I'm not interested.

Lionel Hand, Sr.
Conveyer of Messages Extraordinaire and Professional Airline Stuartess
Hand and Foot Law Offices

Go back to using your hand on your penus. that is more you stile of acitity.

Thanking you very much

John Sunol

Tell Inca that she is a gutless femenist bitch who has no right to contact my wfie at all. I am going home to Newcastle to my wife next Weekend but she is ntot happy

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: gutless wonder - message to Master mason and John Watson- head warlock

Dear Spleen Casing,

I am not familiar with this "penus" you speak of. I do not recall owning one so I'm assuming when you say "your penus" you actually meant to say "my mothers breasts". Regrettably, your mother is no longer around for me to fondle her fun bags. She paid me for my professional groping services and left early this morning. She mentioned something about going down to the docks and offering sexual favors to long shore men. She'd probably let you join her as you seem interested in that sort of thing.

Lionel Hand, Sr.
Finder of Missing Persons and Owner of Three Lawn Jockeys
Hand and Foot Law Offices

Dear Miss, Mrs. or Commander Inca,

I have been once again asked to relay a message to you from John Sunol, whom you probably remember better as "The Gimp" from the critically acclaimed movie "Pulp Fiction". John wishes to inform you that he would love for you to strap a bridle around him and ride him about the neighborhood like a pony. He says that he had all the necessary whips, chains and condiments for you to give him the public humiliation he needs to sexually gratify himself.

Lionel Hand, Sr.
Conveyer of Messages Extraordinaire and Professional Airline Stuartess
Hand and Foot Law Offices

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Your Bill

Dear Dust Mite Colony,

I have finished compiling an itemized bill for all of the goods and services I have rendered to you over the last few months. Please remit payment as soon as possible so I won't have to send my collection agency after you, with their big pointy teeth and razor sharp claws.

Legal Advice: four 50 cents off ANY Denny's Grand Slam Breakfasts Coupons
Holes that I Dug in my Back Yard and Can't Remember Why: $63.13
3 Virgin Sacrifices: 86,051,814,291.95 Pesos or 32 cents
Missing Persons Location Service: 7 Beaver Pelts
Aerial Bombardment of Atlantis: $3.50
Pens, Paper and Other Fort Construction Supplies: $32,763
Artists Depiction of You and Your Wife with Cobra Commander Helmets: $513.56
A 1987 Toyota Camry that I Stole and Later Ditched into a Ravine: $1,575
2 Bottles of Viagra: $120
Giant Magnifying Glass to Kill Giant Ant Army: A pretzel that resembled Ernest Borgnine
Pain and Suffering Endured While Reading Your Emails: $1,000,000,000
32 Cases of Shlitz: $1.75

That brings us to a grand total of $1,000,035,040.36, four 50 cents off ANY Denny's Grand Slam Breakfasts coupons, 7 Beaver Pelts, a pretzel that resembles Ernest Borgnine and a partridge in a pair tree.

You can leave my payment under your pillow and I shall fly in and collect it while you slumber.

Lionel Hand, Sr.
Accountant to the MAX and Part Time Tooth Fairy
Hand and Foot Law Offices

Dear legal

Take this and shove it where you want. I will pay you nothing. You are onlya bullshitartist. Tell you debt collectors to come, please, i will love to take them on and I will do this in full.

They are only thugs and bullshitartists themselves anyway.

Also, dogwomble, thankyou very much for telling lies again to Bigpond. They took down my jocky31 account because of your, or Zgeeks lies that I spam. This I absolutely reject as I reject you and all you stand for.

Tell Inca that she is also a trouble making bitch and a marriage buster. She had been contacting my wife again and I doubt if she has the guts to give my wife assistance to leave me. She hides behidn the femenist movement and speaks a load of bullshit.

I would love to meet her in person, I would tell her just what she is, a lying femenist backing looking bitch who listens to idiots like you and others who make up false propaganda.

Anyway, thanks for that as I was sbout to get rid of this account anyway and start another. I have now started another account with Bigpond anyway.

Just shit your pants trying to find out what it is as I refuse to let you know. I intend to make you fools or force you to own up that you are the trouble, Not myself.

You are trying your hardest to bust my marriage, you are creating problems and I will never accept responsiblity. I also oppose the leftist movement completely adn will never go there way. They are all fruitcakes with the likes of you.

John Chrsitopher Sunol speaking

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Your Bill

Dear Hair Bearing Object,

After all I've done for you I am deeply wounded that you keep referring to me as "legal". I have a name you know, Lionel Augustus Hand Sr. The III. Do you know how rude it is when someone doesn't address you by your real name and just uses some generic term instead? HUH? DO YOU?!

Then you have the audacity to criticize my legal prowess. Just because I've tried a few cases wearing nothing but a loin cloth and a cowboy hat with a feather in it doesn't mean that I'm not "proper". I'll have you know that that outfit was part of a time tested and sound legal strategy. Sure there's some people that said it was because I "lack mental stability", but those people don't know jack about the legal court justice system. I'll have you know that I served in the Supreme court of the United States until they figured out I was just impersonating a chair. My legal record speaks for itself, 1,324,067 wins, 0 loses, 54,902 dead, 105,415 wounded.

On top of everything else, you refuse to pay your bill?! What kind of sick demented dead beat wasted life wart hogged faced gerbil jabbing piece of crap are you? This is going on your credit report sir! Rest assured the next time you buy a stick to prop up the ceiling of the cardboard box you live in you better have the cash on you. Of course you're probably use to sponging off your wife's income, but you just wait until she kicks your fat sweaty lethargic ass to the curb. Guess who will be laughing then? Lionel Augustus Hand Sr. The III, THAT'S WHO!

YOU LOSE!

Hanging Loose,
Lionel Hand, Sr.
Ten Ton Gavel of Justice and Discoverer of Plant Life
Hand and Foot Law Offices

I know for a fact that you are full of bullshit and crap buster. So go and crap off to someone else as I refuse to take notice to all your crap that comes pouring out of your mouth.

Also tell dogwomble and inca, the doctor today told me that I have now recovedred from my accident and I do not need to be on the pension any longer. I am going to user my pension concession on the rail to get cheap fares from now on and spread these petitions again all around Sydney, Wollongong, Newcastle, Lithgow and all over the place by train. This is good as it is a way of travelling cheaply which I will use while I have it.

If it was not for the pension I would not have been able to do the degrees that I done and I will use everything at my disposal to put down the Evil Mardi Gras and Zgeek idiots.

You are one of these idiots, you are not a lawyer, but you are just a bullshit artist spewing crap out of your ass at me and it is stinky. I take you as a proper joker and refuse to pay a bullshitartist like you ojne red cent.

John Christopher Sunol speaking

NB: I also blame Inca for troubles in my marriage as this marriage busting femenist bitch contacted my wife with bullshit.

Tim is also a perverted trouble making faggot who gets what he deserves when he is put down with Zgeek.

This is final

John Christopher Sunol

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Your Bill

Dear Semi Literate Life Form,

Even though what you call facts are usually more erroneous than your grammar I still can't see how you can doubt my legal prowess. How can you ignore all of the high profile cases I've been involved with over the last 120 years? You must have heard of Lionel Hand vs. State of California in which both my wives tried to frame me for polygamy. Or what about Trephination vs. the City of Troy in which I served as both the Plaintiff and the Defendant and won? With such decisive victories under my belt only a complete scum sucking maggot infested cross dressing ass sniffing crotch grabbing stupid ugly knob gobbling web toed shit for brains moron would doubt my legal skills. Come to think of it though, you do fit that description.

While I don't know exactly what travel arrangements to the gay men's bath house have anything to do with, well anything I do have to inform you that I will no longer be relaying your messages for you. Since you refuse to pay me the money you owe me I'm not doing you any more favors. I also realized that the people you want me to give these messages to are already in the CC list so giving them said messages is redundant and the mere fact that you would ask me to is frankly retarded.

I'm glad to hear that the doctor has told you that you are no longer physically disabled. Not that I'm in the least bit concerned for your well being, but rather that you can no longer use your physical state as an excuse to sponge off society and your wife. Now that your physical disabilities are corrected you can start working on your mental ones, there in lies the real challenge.

As for the money you owe me, I did not ask for payment in "red cents", I do not accept Russian currency. Payment should be made in the form of Wampum, Pesos or Pay Pal.

Lionel Hand, Sr.
Ten Ton Gavel of Justice and Discoverer of Plant Life
Hand and Foot Law Offices

Dear fool,

that is all you are is a fool and a tool of Satan himself.

My doctor has told me that I should not be on the pension now for both Physcial and mental state. My mind is just as good if not better than most people.

I will stay on the pension untill I get a job and then they will keep me on the concession passes for around 12 months. That is government policy.

I will use these cheap rail fares of $3.30 to go anywhere from Musswelbrook to Lithgow to Nowra to spread anti Mardi Gras material and travel relatively cheaply to spread material inciting people to speak out against the Femenist agenda and the Gay agenda. I will not stop ever untill I get locked up and then I will just incite those others inside to dissobey the law concerning villification of gays and other evil laws ect.

I refuse to give in as God has told me to do this.

Inca, I know that you will get this. I had a phone call today and I could be employed in around 4 weeks time, I will say nothing else but expect the shock of your life as I am going to PROVE YOU ALL A BUNCH OF LIARS AND BULLSHITARTISTS.

Also if I take my wife out of your clutches and those of the femenist, i will put her with me into a Fundamental church that reject femenism so that you evil people can not get your dirty marriage busing clutches on her any more.

Further more I am committing myself to go all out to preach the gospel and will approach other relgions, such as Bhuddism, Islam, Hinduism of anything that is not of God of such.

I also am an eternal enemy to the femenist equal opportunity agenda and this will remain and not ever change. You all loose, I win so forget it sister.

John Christopher Sunol speaking

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Your Bill

Dear Ham Receptacle,

I am highly intrigued by your travel arrangements and look forward to many many more email regarding them. Since this is a topic you seem to fancy I thought I'd tell you about some of my more recent travel experiences. They are of course, not as interesting as your plans of going a magical land of castles to the visit the mythical Musswellbrook, but none the less my journeys through this land of Earth are fraught with adventure.

Just recently I embarked on a quest to find the treasure hoard of the dreaded Pirate "One Eyed Willy". I found this treasure map in my parents attic and I set out on my rocket propelled LARK scooter to the entrance to the caverns where the treasure was hidden. The entrance was hidden in an old light house, but some villainous gangster types had made it their hideout. I managed to sneak past them and made my way into the basement. Along the way I ran into a character named Sloth who was almost as dumb and deformed as you John, but he was much nicer. We made our way through the caves, between my cunning and agility and Sloth's brute strength and ability to be confused by rocks, we were more than a match for the traps that Mr. One Eye had set to stop us. We had to move quickly because the gangsters weren't far behind us. After bypassing the traps we found One Eye's pirate ship and proceeded to loot and pillage it, but by that time the gangsters had caught up with us. I promptly challenged them to a Chinese Checkers dual and they were checkmated in no time. During the biblical confrontation the cavern began to collapse and Sloth was killed by a boulder. I made off with the treasure and spent it all on Poke-mon cards and gold chains that I bought at the liqueur store.

Finn`

And by the way, I'd get a second opinion regarding your mental competence. The doctor treating you is obviously a hack and may have just given you a clean bill of health so he wouldn't have to endure your presence as much.

Lionel Hand Sr.
Finder of the Lost Treasure of One Eye Willy
Hand and Foot Law Offices

From: Captain Orangutang <capatian_orangutang@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Special Email Update: Day 6 in the War On Freemasonry

Dear Wastrel,

I'm interrupting your normal email thread on missing wives and gay mardi gras to bring you this special update on the War On Freemasonry:

Today, while skulking around the spleen of Pittsburgh, I encountered many loose bricks (you might even say that these chunks of baked clay were "lose bricks"). Some people might think this phenomena was related to the adamantium crowbar I was carrying, but I knew the truth of the matter: this was another plot by the insidious forces of Freemasonry. I'm unsure what the vile Freemasons hoped to accomplish by undermining the very foundations of our public buildings, but I knew they must be stopped. The only problem was: How? Like the number of dates you've had in your lifetime, my leads could be counted on one hand with six fingers left over. After several hours of harassing hobos I finally found a clue. And not just any clue, but the perfect clue, a little, red wagon of a clue. In fact, it was a wagon, albeit blue, not that little and built by Buick. A 1972 Buick SportWagon, parked in an alleyway, with brick dust on the back. I promptly staked it out, but after several hours of hanging by my tongue from a fire escape I got bored and wandered off to a bar to down some banana daiquiris. When I stumbled back to what I'm almost certain was the same spot several hours later, my clue had driven off, possibly on its own in a Herbie the Love Bug-type move. Ah well, the War On Freemasonry is postponed until I sober up, possibly sometime next week.

Captain Orangutang
Licensed Leech Handler and Idle Physician

This is esepecialy for Inca and Dogwomble

I mean business you Marriage busting bitch, Inca, I am telling you what you are and you can not deny this as you know it.

Dogwomble you are a trouble making bastard of a dirty and filthy minded Faggot and poof. I refuse to state anything else.

You mob will pay, you mob are attacking me, not me attacking you. I will leave you alone if you ignore what I am doing but when you write to my wife and stirr her up I tell you Inca, My wife can not stop me as God told me to attack the mardi Gras. I refuse to listen.

My wife is disturbed because of idiots like you and I am going to persuade her to come with me and i will take her out of your dirty little femenist marriage busing clutches.

You ARE NOT A CHRISTAIN, YOU ARE ONLY A MAKE BELEIVE CHRISTIAN WHO IS LIVING IN HER FANTASIES.

Dogwomble at least does not state that he is Christian. I am NOT WHAT YOU THINK I AM AND I AM ONLY AWAY FROM HOME FOR STUDY and I need to now find work quickly. I will not find it in Newcastle as you idiots know where I live and hassle me. Zgeek and Tony B can go to Hell.

I state Chee Saw to Tony B and I mean fight to the death, I refuse to give in.

I will expose Freemasonary as I know that after the 5th degree you start to be brainwashed by beleiving that all Gods are one. I also know that by the 17tjh degree you have to deny Christ knowingly and you get ttwo secret pass words, Jablu - pronounced Jabloo and Abalagon which are evil inchantarnations. By level 22 you get to learn about the Morning Dawn and by Level 33 you are to beleive that Satan is good and Christ is bad.

This is wicked and i know it to be true as some years ago I learnedthis of an ex 33 degree Freemason who was teaching your so called secrets. This is NOT SECRET INFORMATION IN MY HANDS. ALL WILL KNOW THIS.

Getting away from that, my wife is disturbed because of the rubbish that Inca is feeding her and Inca, I will take you on in full and expect to loose lady.

I am getting back on Bigpond to show Dogwomble that he is a liar and an idiot who can nto beat me, I just have to get another copy of windows 98 to re-load it on my computer.

I am in Newcastle this weekend but am going back south of Sydney next week so forget it if you want find out where I am or what my new hotmail account as I will not tell you, it is for me to know and you mob to find out your own ways.

John Christopher Sunol angrily speaking to the marriage busting bitch Inca and perverted faggot called Dogwomble.

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Special Email Update: Day 6 in the War On Freemasonry

Dear Assortment of Meats,

I can't understand this irrational hatred you hold against the benevolent Freemasons. While I can't profess to ever seeing one of these mythical creatures I can't imagine why anyone would hold a grudge against a kindly entity who wanders across the countryside distributing bricks to the less fortunate. They are not unlike a modern day Johnny Appleseed, only with bricks, sort of a Johnny Brickleseed if you will, they create wondrous walls and churches or walls around churches or walls around other walls all while combating the evils of stucco.

I can't say I'm surprised that Captain Orangutang has sided with you on this issue that some people would call "nonexistent". I have never approved of his vigilantly form of justice or the way he throws his feces at passing vehicles. (Like I wasn't doing that long before he was born in the jungles of Greenland.) According to my big book of legal stuff, there is no law against the free distribution of masonry, so just keep your unionized tendrils off them or there's going to be trouble. The kind of trouble that's big, or at least slightly larger then average size.

Let the bricks rain free from the sky,
Lionel Hand, Sr.
Freemasonry Rights Advocate and Inventor of the Bucket
Hand and Foot Law Offices

From: Captain Orangutang <capatian_orangutang@trephination.net>
To: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
Subject:Re: Special Email Update: Day 6 in the War On Freemasonry

Dear Charlatan,

So, Mr. Hand, this is how you repay me for getting you the plum job of finding John's harridan. As you may know, I know a plethora of people finders, having had a short-lived job as a newsboy in the People Finding District down on Liberty. (Word to the wise, apparently there just isn't much demand for chewed and feces-stained newspapers. I blame the Green Party.) But rather than sending John's case to one of my myriad other contacts, I thought I'd do a favor for my old friend, Mr. Hand. After all, you did name your first born child after me, which I've always appreciated, even if "Captain" is a rather odd name for a girl. And now this, I find out you're consorting with the enemy, those villainous freemasons. Freemasons represent everything that is wrong with this country with their socialization of brick distribution. If God wanted bricks to be free, he would just start hurling them at people and then laughing when they got hit in the head with a brick.

This war will have no prisoners. Consider this fair warning, if I catch you out on the streets I'll be forced to gut you like a manatee and leave your carcass floating in the noonday sun.

Captain Orangutang aka Chemical Orangutang
Soldier of Misfortune and Banana Archaeologist

P.S. We're still on for tea and crumpets at 3, right?

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: Captain Orangutang <capatian_orangutang@trephination.net>
Subject:Re: Special Email Update: Day 6 in the War On Freemasonry

Dear Rookie,

While I appreciate you looking out for potential clients for me I have to ask you to next time you find me ones that aren't dead beats like John "Flaming Douche Bag" Sunol. Thanks a lot for recommending me to someone who promptly stiffs me. From what I hear about his sexual preference that's not the only way he wants to give me the shaft.

I am well aware of the short attention span of the Orangutang, but honestly, I told you that I named my daughter "Captain" after Captain Lou Albino just five minutes before you wrote that email.

While we both believe in the forceful snuggle of justice I can't condone your methods. I believe in the Emancipation Proclamation of the Constitution of the Dakota which gives the accused the right to trial by a jury of their peers, not the sissy arms of a domesticated monkey.

Lionel Hand Sr.
Lawyer Machine and Agent to the Stars
Hand and Foot Law Offices

P.S. 3 is great, but is that AM or PM?

OK then

I refuse to keep my hands of these people and if there is to be trouble, bring it on. I am waiting.

Trouble and myself go together.

These people are evil people. I will expose it.

John Chrsitopher Sunol

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Special Email Update: Day 6 in the War On Freemasonry

Dear Deposit of Organic Tissue,

As a world renown psychiatrist or psychologist or something of that nature I can't help but notice the sexual overtones of your last email in regards to how you want to put your hands all over freemasons. Since most brick layers are male this seems to indicate that you have a great deal of pent up homosexual tendencies.

I also remember that you distinctively said on a number of occasions that you are not the one causing trouble. Now you seem to be stating the exact opposite. A decision making disorder such as this is one of the symptoms of AIDS, I suggest that you get yourself checked out at the local clinic.

Lionel Hand, Sr.
Freemasonry Rights Advocate and Inventor of the Bucket
Hand and Foot Law Offices

I suggest that you go and get yourself councelled by a church ministerr, You need jesus Christ, not this bullshit.

John Christopher Sunol speaking

From: Lionel Hand <legal@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: Special Email Update: Day 6 in the War On Freemasonry

Dear Casted Lard,

I'll have you know that I am a church minister. They don't just call me Father Lionel Augustus Hand Sr. The III because I've knocked up 36 hookers.

Lionel Hand Sr.
Minister to the Masses.
Hand and Foot Law Offices

From: Captain Orangutang <capatian_orangutang@trephination.net>
To: "John, Sunol" <jesu194@hotmail.com>
Subject: Special Email Update: Day 32 in the War On Freemasonry

Dear Departed,

Friends, Internet Goons, Countrymen, lend me your connections; I come to bury Sunol, not to praise him. Because, really, what is there to praise about a chubby, 3' tall, half-wit? (And I apologize in advance to all the chubby, 3' tall, non-half-wits in the audience. But then, you're all Austrians anyway, you probably don't know what an inch is. Me no hablas el metrico systemo.) Nevertheless, I have sad news. The least of us has fallen in battle. John Sunol is dead. R.I.P.

The exact circumstances of his death are shrouded in mystery, clouded by the clouds of war, eclipsed by the dirty, yellow smog of war, and drowned in the piss of war, but one thing is certain, Lionel Augustus Hand Sr. The III was responsible for John meeting his timely end. Now, I'm not one to play the guilt jig, but I may have inadvertently hurt, in some small way, John's chances on his mission of PERIL. For instance, when I got on TV from my position as a reporter in an embedded position with the Coalition Forces (of the Anti-Freemasonry Alliance), I possibly drew a map in the dirt that revealed John's location in Barrister Hand's pristine villa off the coast of Tuscany. In reality I was pissing out some banana juice I had downed earlier, but by strange (and possibly supernatural) coincidence, it corresponded exactly with a map of John's locale. But regardless of who's fault it is, and we could pass blame back and forth till the cows stay home, John is no longer with us. The whereabouts of his body are unknown, but the word on the concrete has him placed underneath the 3rd toilet of the 4th women's bathroom on the right from gate 1A of PNC Park. John, we hardly knew ye, but we certainly won't miss you.

Vengeance Ape and Part-Time PENNDOT Surveyor
Captain Orangutang