When Null first emailed me and asked if I wanted to write an article for the front page of Trephination.net, my initial reaction was “Fifty percent off surgical breast enhancement - COUNT ME IN!!”. After I re-examined the email, this time making a special effort to include both vowels and consonants, I realised that Null was not actually offering to stuff me full of silicon for half the normal price. Which is something of a relief, because the closest thing Null has to medical qualifications is a diploma in sheep husbandry from the Walgett College of Agriculture. And everybody knows that Null is bound by the court order preventing him from performing surgery ever since the incident where he accidentally sowed the President of Bolivia to his arse. Doing it once could be considered a mistake, but the second time was downright medical negligence.

So, writing an article for Trephination, hey? I guess funnelling my creative energy into a work of literary mediocrity would probably be a good, constructive use of my time. It might even keep me from dressing in a clown-suit and selling amphetamine laced candy outside the local primary school. At least until tomorrow, anyway. And Christ knows we need some new content. The last time Null updated the front page he was cowering like a pussy in his basement during the Cuban missile crisis - which was probably just punishment since he was the one who sold the ballistic missile plans to Russia in the first place. Fucking traitor scum. Anyway, some fresh information is needed here! How else are the kiddies out there going to know that the Cuban missile crisis was averted when Antarctica invaded Cuba, John F. Kennedy got abducted by aliens and Khrushchev went on to become a transvestite cabaret singer in a tourist bar in Bangkok? THEY AIN’T GUNNA LEARN THAT STUFF IN SCHOOL, PEOPLE!

So that brings me to content. What the fuck am I going to write about? I’m already at paragraph three, and so far all I’ve written is an incoherent collection of crap interspersed with the occasional reference to Null’s penchant for bikini line waxes. If I don’t get to the point - any point - sometime soon, he may well stop trimming the overgrown mane that surrounds his vagina for long enough to dump a truckload of pubic hair off-cuts on my front lawn as punishment for writing such a pointless and vague piece of shit. In fact, my contribution thus far has consisted of little more than fabricated lies and slanderous insults directed at Null. Well, dagnammit, it’s high time I wrote some more.

First of all, Null was born on a naked-nosed wombat farm in southern Tasmania. His upbringing was difficult and at times painful, as the dominant males in the farm would often mistake his anus for a burrow and create a breeding nest in his arse. As the wombats fell from his bottom the bottom fell from the wombat industry, and on his fifteenth birthday Null’s parents enlisted him in the 7th Warnambool Military Flute and Spoon Brigade. Having known no learning (except for the claw length of a naked-nosed wombat) Null struggled to fit in with the other boys, and found himself constantly bullied and spurned. When he was included in activities, the games were invariably titled “Kick the Wombat-Arsed Boy” and “Null eats the Poo”.

At age eighteen Null was dishonourably discharged from military school after an incident involving an apple corer, half a pound of ham and a random bedroom inspection. He moved to San Francisco and at age twenty went into business selling lychee, tamarind and water chestnut flavoured condoms to the Chinese community. The product was an enormous success and Null soon became an affluent tosser, but a foolish romance with teak-oil futures on the Burmese Stock Exchange left him destitute and sucking cock for crack. Null overcame the come and went on to become Acting Treasurer of the Pennsylvanian Coalition Against the Discrimination of Fags, Poofs, Homos and Dykes. His greatest achievement was successfully petitioning to have 1998 officially declared as the “International Year of the Flummery”. He currently resides in a partially asbestos free house with his wife and three daughters, all of whom are easy sluts gagging for some big hard cock.