But wait, it gets worse. Did you know some people actually kill themselves in groups? I m aware of the fact that I just left myself open for a good old 199X called , but I feel I had to mention it for our readers who have just crawled out from underneath that rock they ve been living under. These so-called suicide parties are apparently all the rage in Japan. The planning for one of these parties is pretty informal really. It usually just involves a member of a message board (about suicide) posting a thread about his preferred method of self-destruction. Before you know it, someone else appears who is in the same area and also enjoys that same style. Before too long, you ve got people traveling long distances to meet up with people and inject Draino in to each other s veins.

There sure are some really creative and talented people out there.

Anyway, who thought all of this suicide stuff up? In the Bible, man had to live with all sorts of catastrophes (plagues of locusts, rivers of blood, a shortage of vestigial virgins) and a pissed-off, all-powerful entity; yet nobody killed himself because he was depressed or unhappy . I know that it wasn t all sunshine, rainbows and lollipops; but the average Galilean didn t take his farming tools and impale himself with them when the chips were down. While we re on the subject of religion, isn t there fine print in the End User License Agreement pertaining to suicide? If any of you have ever seen What Dreams May Come , you ll have some idea of what I m talking about.

So now that we ve got a basic grounding of the subject, let s put some of the facts together without having to do any proper research (take THAT, Axle Grease Enema!).

• The Japanese people invented Seppuku/Hara-Kiri/Sukiyaki. If you are one of the three people on the face of the planet that hasn t seen a decent Samurai movie or TV show, go and watch one NOW! The 7 Samurai is an amazing piece of work. Lupin III on Adult Swim doesn t count.
• The Japanese people are generally unhappy, what with the Nikkei falling and Korean bombs threatening to follow suit (among other things).
  
• The Philippines and a lot of other Third World Asian countries are doing much worse but you don t hear about people there organizing Suicide Parties .
• Most Japanese schoolgirls have some sort of Venereal Disease* and extremely bad hygiene (due to lack of information given to them by their schools) and a severe soap shortage. Both of which have crippled the men s only Bath House § industry.
  

This leads me to the conclusion that Japanese people list suicide as one of their national pastimes, a close third behind baseball and underwear related activities. This is excellent. I m going over to surf on over to amazon.com later and order The Suicide Manual for my squinty-eyed friend who is celebrating his twenty-fourth birthday in the next few weeks. Tough luck if he doesn t like it, if he s so distraught over a shitty present he can go jump off a cliff for all I care.

In all seriousness, when I wake up in the middle of the night and think to myself, Man, I m so depressed , I go to the bathroom and take a piss, head to the kitchen for some biscuits and a glass of milk, and then do what it takes to get myself back to sleep. If I smoked, I d go and have a cigarette instead of sitting in the car with one end of a hose connected to the exhaust pipe and the other end jammed in my window.

If you re reading this article and into this stuff and you think suicide via hanging is too cliché, you deserve to die. Instead of clogging up the Internet with your discussions on how romantic suicide is, why not stop being such a pussy and do it. Save future generations from the stupidity that you will undoubtedly spawn unto the world.

Anyway, that pretty much concludes the article Axle Grease Enema made me write at gunpoint. Remember that nobody likes you. Everyone thinks you re a moron, you re severely overweight and nobody will ever want to have sex with you while sober. Your fashion sense sucks, you re not good at any sports, you listen to bad music and you re stuck on 56k dialup for life, so you ll never be accepted by any of your peers. You have no friends, and even if someone decides to hang out with you, you have awful BO and everyone will walk on the other side of the street; but at least you ll have an army of flies to do your bidding. Your parents will never understand you or how you feel, your boss (if you ve even got a job, you pimply little fuck) hates you. You ll never amount to anything worthwhile in life, and to make everything doubly worse, you re too fucking poor to afford drugs.

If you ever met Morpheus, he d offer you the red and the blue pill. I urge you to munch down on that black cyanide pill and see what really is on the other side. Nothing personal, of course, I m just looking out for the good of the gene pool.

Charles Darwin would ve been proud to know you all.

-Vicente Quiason

vinnyquiason@hotmail.com
Edited by Axle Grease Enema

* You might be thinking, What does this have to do with anything? Well, it s a neat fact (if a bit gross) and I ve been looking for a place to mention it for about a week now
§ Bath House can also mean Aquatic Brothel or Hot tub with 16 year old school girls . Essentially, it s the same thing.