A picture of me in my younger days.

There is a lot of speculation as to how John "sweat factory" Sunol died. Many people said that I "stabbed him in the back over 500 times" and "pumped sulfuric acid into his chest cavity", but I'm here now to set the story straight once and for all despite whatever the "police report" says. As a self proclaimed volunteer fire fighter, I feel it's my responsibility to make sure peoples homes are safe from fire hazards such as large piles of paper money that if should catch fire could cause significant property damage. So one fateful afternoon, I was in John "cross dresser" Sunol's house "checking for fire hazards" in a locked metal safe when John "ham and cheese" Sunol sprang into the room and began to assault me with a bag of groceries that he was carrying. Since he had brought this weapon with him this assault by John "BSDM fetish legend" Sunol was obviously premeditated.

Without a word my military ninja Hindu training kicked in and I subdued him a few hundred times with my fireman's axe. The police report called my fireman's axe a "baseball bat with nails in it" which just shows how inaccurate their report was. After I subdued John "package grabber" Sunol I tossed his body into the same canyon that I ditch all the bodies of the various hookers and girl scouts I have had to "defend myself against". So, as you can see, I was the victim in this unfortunate incident. I was in no way at all responsible for the death of John "salad tosser" Sunol and a jury of my peers eventually agreed once I properly persuaded them with a few savage beatings.

Pope Lionel Hand Sr. the III

Now John "soccer mom" Sunol has returned from beyond the grave to try to extract some sort of revenge against me, well he doesn't know what he's up against. As I frequently remind people every 10 or so minutes, I had a brief stint as Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, but they later tried to cover up any existence of my administration because I tried to rewrite the bible and then they found out I was Jewish. The Church tried to excommunicate me. At least I think it was excommunicate, what's the word they use when they try to hang you? Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter much. All that matters is that I'm am a juggernaut of Catholicism and I've performed exorcisms on smarter spirits than John "flaming crackwhore" Sunol. Hell, this will be easier than the time I was offering some free professional medical services at the local pool hall and exorcised a gerbil out of the ass of a gay college student with a pack of matches.

When I got to Missy's home where the possessed appliance resided I greeted her at the door with a hearty, "Mellow greetings Missy, has your yeast infection cleared up?" To which she replied, "How many times do I have to tell you that my name isn't Missy and I'm a guy." I then exclaimed, "That's terrific Missy!" because I was briefly distracted by the floor and didn't hear what she had said.

A hideous aparition.

I went into the room where the web server was, I could tell right away that this wasn't your normal run of the mill possession. Most appliances, when possessed will gush blood or try to kill the owner. However, the server was sitting there beeping misspelled and incoherent messages in Morse code and sweating profusely. I knew I had to act quickly for at any moment the situation could turn ugly and I can't really think of anything uglier than an apparition of John "lawn jockey molester" Sunol.

There are many was to exorcise a spirit, but I like my exorcisms the way I like my sex, quick and dirty. I pulled out a large crucifix out of my bag O' trick and condiments and started chanting the exorcism prayer that was handed down to me from my forefathers, "DEMONS BE GETTIN THE FUCK UP OUTTA HERE FOR I BUST A CAP UP IN DAT ASS!", but Missy stopped me at the last moment spouting off some nonsense about how my crucifix was a shotgun with a hockey stick taped to it. I accordance with the little known twelfth commandment, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors lawn" I had to abide by her wishes, I was going go about this the hard way.

I sparked up some of that good old catholic incense, you know, the kind that smells like a burning coal mine full of old tires, and popped in a copy of Microsoft Bible 2.0 into the CD tray. I then proceeded to do my patented laying down of hands technique (US Patent No. 6,246,561) and chanted "Turn thy head and cough". I repeated, "TURN THY HEAD, COUGH!". At this point the server began to tremble and sweat more profusely then it had been before. I chanted one last time, "IN THE NAME OF THE LORD AND GOD E.T. PRESENTLY TURN THY HEAD AND COUGH!!!" Then suddenly the cdrom began to spin, the hard drive began to grind and hamster started to chase its tail and with that a giant cloud of brown smoke billowed from the back of the power supply. The mist then to the shape of John's face, or possibly his ass as those two parts of his anatomy are basically interchangeable. He belched at me, "YOU COCONUT STOP MY I AM A GOST!!!", however his breath was so foul that I was desperately trying to dig a pack of tic tacks out of my pocket to throw into his gaping maw and didn't quite hear what he was saying. I retorted with, "I AM NOT LEFT HANDED EITHER!" and used my holy wet/dry vac to suck up the evil spirit.

Now that I had captured the spirit of John "fudge packer" Sunol I packed up the vessel in which he was contained and overnighted it straight to the seventh sphere of hell or Oklahoma as some of the people in the exorcism biz call it. I tracked the package with Fed Ex's web site to confirmed that Adolph Hitler signed for it yesterday.

So once again I, Lionel Agustus Hand Sr. the III, legal ace, psychiatry legend, juggernaut of Christianity and creator of the culinary delight deep fried syringes came to the rescue and smited my foe with speed efficiency and above all else style. You can all sleep better tonight knowing that I am in your bedroom watching over you.