The Salem Witch Trials took place during that turbulent time before Jesus killed the Dinosaurs and after E. T. Presently created the Earth in seven days. It's unknown when the exact date that the Salem Witch Trials occurred, but it is known that that date contained some kind of numbers. But, that will all be irrelevant when the sweet, sweet Apocalypse comes around anyway so we shouldn't dwell on such minutia.

The trials which were also known as the Spanish Inquisition because most of the residents of Salem were illegal immigrants from Mexico. The trouble all started when a known adultress and local drug hookup Abigail Lopez began accusing some of the other rival drug dealers in the area of witchcraft, casting spells on her and playing Dungeons and Dragons. Realizing just how effective this was at eliminating the competition Abigail quickly cornered the market on the illegal drugs. It was only after a joint sting operation between the local Salem police, the FBI, the ATF and the WWF that Abigail's multi billion dollar drug cartel was brought down. However, during the raid on Abigail's Jamaican villa she escaped through a secret tunnel and her whereabouts to this day are unknown. Abigail is 5'6" weighs approximately 145 lbs and is fond of wearing a large red letter "A" on her shirt. If you have any information that could lead to the whereabouts on Abigail "Razor Abby" Lopez call 1800-CRIME-TV.

As I was saying there were a lot of horrible things that happened during these dark times, but as they say every dark cloud has a silver lining. And sometimes those dark clouds send down bolts of lightning that strike the little bastard kid living across the street from you that's always drawing gay ass hopscotch boards on the sidewalk with his faggot colored chalk and sends his punk ass into the fucking hospital so he can spend his last days pissing into a bag and having machines breathe for him.

It's unknown just how many people were tortured, killed, tortured and killed or tortured killed and then tortured again, but it is quite possible that a few of them actually may have been witches. Surely the death of a few hundred innocent people is worth it to keep these devil women off their broomsticks and possibly getting sucked into the jet engine of a 747 and causing it to crash into a pet shop full of adorable kittens. On the other hand the plane could crash into a Starbucks and kill a bunch of yuppies that double parked their Volvo's outside. This is one of those things that could go either way, which is why I'm going to conduct an experiment in which I'll duct tape some manikins I stole from Sears onto some brooms that I stole from Home Depot and launch them out of the catapult I stole from Eugene's Catapult Emporium at some passing by planes so I can see where they end up crashing. Then we'll all finally know the answer to this burning question. I'll keep you all posted as to my findings.

You can't burn witches at the stake without a stake, I've always said that. And if it wasn't for the industrious people of Salem the stake probably would have never been discovered. Without this pivotal invention Gandhi would have never been able to kill Dracula and end his reign of tyranny over the Aztecs. The stake is also used in many other modern day inventions. Camping wouldn't be the same if you have to glue your tent to the ground. Ever tried to glue something to dirt? It's not easy, unless of course your gluing dirt to more dirt, but then you just end up with a kind of dirt paste, which isn't very useful at all so I don't see why you had to bring it up.

The people of Salem also developed the first protocols for the proper treatment of prisoners which are still being followed today by Coalition controlled prisons in Iraq. If it wasn't for these guidelines there would be nothing stopping Iraqi prisoners from being treated like frat house pledgee's, having their pictures taken and presented on the news to the outrage of other countries. Countries who routinely burn peoples eyes out with a cigarette lighter from a 1976 Ugo because they picked up a woman's Burke and peeked at her voluptuous ankles.

The Salem Witch Trials also changed forever how the worlds strongest man would be determined. If you've ever seen one of these competitions on ESPN you can see that they don't do normal things like lift weights. The competitions usually involve filling a refrigerator full of concrete and strapping it to the guys back and making him jump over a river. This was taken directly from the Salem Witch Trials. Back then if you made the jump then you were a witch and they burned you at the stake. If you didn't make the jump and drowned in the river it proved you were not a witch and they gave you an honorable cremation at the stake.

As you can see, if it wasn't for this misunderstood misadventure in history we wouldn't have many of the things we take for granted today. So next time you here some ignoramus talking about how horrible the Salem Witch Trials were you tie him to a chair and dunk his ass in a river until he confesses to not knowing what the fuck he's talking about.