| I am writing on this Internet network thing so people can know what is going on in my life and about all the interesting things that happen in my day to day life instead of writing about uninteresting things that happen in my life like most people use web interworks for. Like the time when I went to the Shop and Save and bought 50 lbs. of green onions in the hope that I could get hepatitis and sue the hell out of those communists at Shop and Save, but only ended giving myself terrible gas which the stupid court justice department wouldn't let me sue over even though I got diarrhea and ruined a perfectly good pair of trousers and a chair, and a rug. But that's ancient history and I'm sure you've already read that story in the bible, so let me tell you about the unfortunate events that happened today, which ultimately ended up with me crashing my car into the third story of the Kaufmann's department store downtown and completely destroying the department where they sell their couches. Which is the couch department for you heathens who have never been to a classy department store. Do I'm driving along in my Chevy Camry or whatever the hell cars are called today, drinking a bottle of Jagermister, minding my own business and this stupid motorcycle cop gets all pissy with me because I might have bumped into his stupid little bike doing about 60 mph. Well, he's screaming at me about broken ribs and punctured this and that's like a little pussy and I'm pissed because he smashed up the front of my car and did significant damage to the undercarriage. It was clearly his fault since he was riding out into this intersection when I clearly had the larger vehicle automatically giving me the right of way. So I decide to get the hell out of here because there's just shit loads of smoke pouring out of my hood and I needed to get my car down to the shop before it exploded like they do in the movies. I'm getting back in my car and this guy tries grabbing me and preventing me from leaving because he probably wants to kidnap me and drag me out to the train tracks for some kind of gay love in and I didn't have time for that kind of thing so I shanked him and sped away. So I'm driving around looking for a place to get my car fixed and it's making noises like a dishwasher that's been thrown down the stairs. Then all these other cops start showing up and driving right in front of me and swerving around so I punch it to try and get away from the mass hysteria that's apparently infected the police department and makes them not respect the road rules. Well, I'm doing about 90 now and the cars shaking all over the place because one of the front wheels is bent up like a penny that was left on the rail road tracks and I dropped my Jager in the back seat. So I put on the cruise control and I'm digging around for it and the stupid robot pilot must have screwed up because the next thing I know the air bags flying up my ass and the cars upside down surrounded by broken couches and corpses. I got out and asked a couple of the slack jawed clerks in there to help me turn it over but they were just standing around looking stupid. It was then I figured out that the clerks were just mannequins so I said screw it, stole a lamp and left.
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