The Internet is over my friends. It's been circling the drain for a while, but much like the roof on my house it has passed its useful life. I came to this conclusion the other day when I was browsing the Internet and came across this ad. This ad enrages me. It's insulting to my intelligence that someone assumes that I would care enough about which bag that Paris Hilton would pick to be duped into clicking on an ad. Sure, Paris Hilton is slightly entertaining when you're watching her suck cock on video, but even that gets old fast. Maybe if the ad read, "Which bag would you like to see her severed head stuffed into" I would have let out a resounding, "Sign me up for whatever crap you're selling! I don't care what it is as long as I can make my voice heard on this very important issue!", despite my disappointment in the lack of a "Half in one, half in the other option". The truth of the matter is that anyone who expresses interest in her during the three or four hours out of the day when a cock isn't crammed into her should get immediate psychiatric care. I don't know what this ad was trying to sell because if I clicked it I feared that my brain would send an involuntary nerve impulse down my arm and command my hand to tear my eyes out in an attempt to prevent my head from caving in. That's not an exaggeration, because it's probably true.

What disturbs me the most about this ad is that there was probably a study behind it, which indicated that there is a marketing demographic that believes they know the mind of Paris Hilton so well as to be able to predict her choice in handbag. Hey, I know my cat pretty well, but I don't care to predict what corner of the litter box he's going to shit in. The fact that greater than zero people fall into this demographic absolutely scares the ever living crap out of me. In fact I am a major proponent of identifying this demographic and marking them in a manner so that they can be identified from a distance. For example, if all these people had a harpoon impaled through their chest we could easily spot and avoid them.

I have a feeling people that care too much about Paris Hilton are probably also part of the larger demographic of people that will see an ad with an elongated pig and apply for a mortgage. As much as the handbag ad pisses me off, this ad just confuses me. Maybe if the ad was selling Jimmy Dean's Extra Long Bacon Strips the ad would have a reason for featuring a stretched pig, but I can't find any connection to a home mortgage. In fact they're probably insulting the entire Islamic culture and promoting terrorism by perpetuating the belief that the capitalist world hates them and doesn't feel that Islamic people deserve to live in houses and should continue to live in caves and under bridges while us westerners eat ham sandwiches and build bombs to drop on them. That's pretty irresponsible of lowermybills.com if you ask me. It's entirely possible that Osama bin Laden was on a laptop that he constructed out of stones and mule hair connected to the Internet through a phone line made out tree bark and sand and saw this ad and it outraged him so much that he typed up his plan to fly planes into buildings and printed it out on a stone tablet on a printer that was fashioned out of a bail of straw and a camels vagina.

If the Paris Hilton's handbag ad wasn't a big enough sign of the Internet apocalypse then surely then the locust equivalent plague of spyware surely is. It's gotten to the point where having a virus is preferable to having spyware. After all viruses are small and usually efficient and just send emails to other people to annoy them where as spyware is on your machine to annoy you with pop up ads for Cialis and leak memory like a god damn strainer. There's also effective tools for removing viruses, spyware tools might remove half of the shitware on your machine if you're lucky, but there's always something that it doesn't catch and every person working in our office seems to have at least forty spyware programs installed that adaware can't catch. I don't know how the hell they get these things installed, whether they come with their Justin Timberlake Windows XP theme or if they get one of those security warning boxes asking if they want to install Memory Sieve 2.0 and they say, "Duuuurrr, OK I would like to trust all applications from Enzyte Bargain Depot Supply Warehouse!".

It seams to me that the least the marketing pricks that create this shit could do is just give us email back. Whatever happened to every spam email offering me free trial of hardcore Internet smut. I was comfortable with that. Now it seems that the percentage of emails I see that try to cater to any bizarre sexual fetish anyone could ever think of have considerably dwindled. Instead of spam featuring teenaged bisexual hermaphrodite sluts I'm getting offers to increase my breast size. Fuck off, if I want to increase my breast size I'll get fat, bring back my free midget clown foot fetish videos. Then there's emails that contain no actual words and a link that doesn't go anywhere, how can that be more profitable than a site featuring pictures of horny grandmothers with lupus getting gang fucked by Elvis lookalikes? I don't know why a spam filter can't filter a lot of that shit out. You'd think one of the requirements of legitimate email should be that there's at least one word spelled properly in it.

I have another question about spam. Who the hell would buy Viagra or prescription drugs from some company that misspelled their domain name when they registered it? Even if the company sends you something the pills are just going to be capsules full of used cat litter. Then for every drug that's being peddled you can always throw your money away on an "all natural" herbal alternatives to modern medicine, because these all natural cures date back hundreds of years to the times when a person only expected to live until they were forty. You know what else is all natural? Hemlock. That's the main ingredient in my all natural cure for cancer, because when you die, so does your tumor.