 | | We're all fucking fucked now. |
Shortly after finding out that lovable scamp, "Victory 2" "hax0red" my "forums" on the "Internet" I called Lionel Hand to see if I was entitled to free money from the government for the loses I incurred because the IP address traced back to a proxy server in Saudi Arabia and I figured that I would be eligible for some anti terrorism give me free money bill. Unfortunately Lionel didn't take the news as well as I did and immediately flew into the legal equivalent of super saiyen mode utterly destroying the igloo he's been living in for the last six months. I tried to explain to him that if Victory 2 is wasting his time hacking incredibly unpopular websites then he probably never has had and never will have sex, ever. It wouldn't give him any solace in besting Victory 2 in either in a legal battle or shanking him in the face because as soon as his Everquest 2 character dies he's probably going to commit suicide anyway, but it was too late, Lionel had already hung up the phone and took flight using his legal ki powers of fury. Moments later Lionel burst through the foundation of my house and stood before me a towering mass of legal might his face painted in the blood of three men who he had killed for sport along his journey. Lionel was magnificent, the time he had spent in the arctic wrestling humpback whales really paid off. It almost made me turn gay just looking at him, or at least gayer. "Where can I find this child molesting prick?", Lionel said, his question sounding more like an ultimatum than an inquiry. I replied, "Well, his IP address came from a proxy server in Saudi Arabia, but that doesn't mean tha...", Lionel cut me off with his grizzled resonating voice, "THEN THEY SHALL BE THE FIRST TO FEEL MY AWESOME WRATH!" Lionel immediately began to summon up his legal might and drafted a formidable letter to the Saudi Arabian government. Dear Saudi Arabia, You guys fucking suck. Go have sex with a camel and eat shit out of a trash can,
Lionel Hand
Legal Super Saiyen P.S. Bitches. |
Despite the serious nature of Lionel's letter the response he received to his demands was not forthcoming. The Saudis apparently think that Lionel is a joke, and just sent back a piece of paper with a bunch of crazy squiggly symbols that looked like a picture of some ramen noodles that someone vomited up. They are obviously unaware that in a legal court battle Lionel has been known to render men limb from limb with his legal power just by stepping foot into a court room. The Saudis think they're out of reach of Lionel's legal anal ram of justice, well the Atlantians thought the same thing and look where they're now, fucking under water. If they want to play hard ball then they better know that Lionel has some great big pulsating rock hard balls. Lionel left for Saudi Arabia this morning with a trash can full of sewage and a baseball bat with the words "Jury Nullification" written on it with red marker. So if I were you Victory 2, I'd watch my step. It's only a mater of time before Lionel finds you. If he has to beat the shit out of and rape every man, woman and child in Saudi Arabia he will. That's just how determined he is. He's also made up a psychological profile of you because that's what they do on the X-Files. | Victory 2 as he believes himself to be:  Victory 2 believes himself to be a modern day interweb equivalent of Robin Hood only instead of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor he deletes data from forums that no one reads, so he's really nothing like Robin Hood, especially because every one who's played Robin Hood is good looking and the picture I drew of him is not very good looking at all. He's actually more like Peter Pan because the people that play Peter Pan are usually women and Victory 2 doesn't have a penis either.
Victory 2 as his associates know him: His school aged peers most likely shun his due to his skin problems and inability to control his bladder. At best they regard him as a target of ridicule and an easy source of lunch money. Victory 2 as his friends know him: The closest thing Victory 2 has to friends are gerbils, but they are more masturbation aids than anything else. Psychological Analysis and Reconstruction: Victory 2 is a disturbed individual who probably spends a lot of time licking homeless people and downloading pornography featuring midgets having sex with toasters. If he was equipped with opposable thumbs I'd consider him a risk of taking a gun to school and massacring his classmates. He's also gay. Victory 2's probable action in the future: Victory 2 doesn't have a future, I will smite him with my awesome legal prowess and use my Bob Villa's Guide to Plumbing Vol 2 handbook to turn him into an artistic urinal by carving out a cavity in his chest, shoving copper piping into his eye sockets and ramming a drainage conduit up his ass, all in six easy steps. |
To be honest I haven't seen Lionel throw himself into a case like this since Lionel Hand vs. Home Depot where Lionel successfully sued Home Depot for failure to stop him from stealing a five gallon bucket of roofing tar. I'm sorry to have to tell you this Victory 2, but you're severely fucked now. Lionel is a one man legal wrecking machine. He's an unstoppable hurricane of legalistic fury. He's a juggernaut of the law, blindly flailing his far reaching tentacles of justice like a squid with a law degree, killing, severely maiming or infecting with syphilis everything in his path, and he's coming for you Victory 2.
|
