| "Macintosh's are the tool of the devil.", said the dark lord of hell in my resent interview with him as we discussed his proposed "Hell on Earth Project" also known as "Operation Apple". Beelzebub went on further to say, "Not only have they helped to get are many departments organized, but the Mac Operating System is so un-intuitive and mind numbingly stupid it offers the added benefit of torturing the user to the point of mental collapse." Satan praised Steve Jobs for creating this most despicable form of torture, "I thought shoving someone through a chicken wire fence was a painful act, but I have yet to find a method of inflicting physical pain that can rival the mental anguish that's induced by these devious colored boxes." After a brief discussion, Satan and I quickly settled into the question and answers portion of the interview despite the fact that he was repeatedly attempting to skewer me with a flaming pitchfork. null: Many people think that hell is a chaotic place and would not require a computerized organizational system. Satan: That's simply not case. We adhere to a strict schedule of torture down here. Wether it be ripping off some ones limbs or melting off some ones face with acid, it has all been scheduled. People that think otherwise will feel my well organized burning furry at the time of the apocalypse. null: So how did you keep hell organized before you started using Macs? Satan: Before we made the decision to use Macs we we're limping along with a VAX system. The problem with that was that no one down here could figure out how to use it. Later we found out all it did was play pong and make toast. It was embarrassing believe you me. Before that we used large stone tablets with jagged edges. The main problem with those is that they would get dropped and break. The stone tablet system was also not very scalable and mistakes in scheduling were becoming more and more frequent. It really doesn't make sense to have Adolph Hitler come into the castration department for a second visit now does it. null: So how much time do you think this new system saves you? Satan: I wouldn't say it saves us any time since they go down more often then a Malaysian prostitute, however it always provides us with a lot of amusement when one of our data lackeys works seven hours strait and loses all of his work when the system freezes up. It gives me great pleasure when I hear the tormented screen of someone who has lost seven hours of work ripping through the silence of gently clicking keys. null: Now how does this all fit into Operation Apple? Satan: I can't go into too much detail here, but I can say that world wide Macintosh deployment is crucial. Unfortunately sales have fallen sharply over the last few years. I attribute this to people "wising up" and wanting there computers to "do things" other then running a word processor. Steven Jobs apparently underestimated the publics need for "software" to run on their computers. null: Rumor has it that Steve Jobs is actually your son. Is their any truth to these rumors? At this point Satan threw a giant fireball at me which I was narrowly able to avoid. Satan: Well, I guess there's no real point in trying to hide it anymore. Yes, Steven Jobs is actually my son. null: Some have also said that Bill Gates is your son. Is this a brotherly rivalry? Satan: No, no, Bill Gates is definitely not my son. He is however the purest form of evil I have ever seen. He makes the demons we have here in hell look like a bunch of prissy girl scouts. null: Why not team up with Bill to achieve your goals? Satan: I want to destroy the Earth. Bill Gates wants to rule it. The seven goals are not compatible with each other and has thus has resulted a major set back in our efforts. Since my boy Steve has devil blood running through his veins he'll out live Bill and hopefully then Operation Apple will come into full fruition. We've waited millennia for the right time to act, we can wait a little longer for Gates to kick off. If it's one thing we got plenty of it's patience. null: So Operation Apple is on hold for the moment. Satan: Not entirely, but it's definitely not going full swing either. We had a major victory when we got Macs into the public schools. I just love hearing the moans of anguish unfurled by a youngster as their book report gets consumed by our hell born operating system. null: What other attempts have you made to increase your foothold in the highly competitive computer market? Satan: Well we've recently discovered that we can sell computers to stupid people like to by computers that look "pretty". These people probably won't ever really use the Mac for anything or even understand how to turn the thing on, but they do provide the company with revenue and that's always helpful. null: Thanks for a very informative interview Satan and good luck with Operation Apple. Satan: Please call me Lucifer. I'll be seeing you again soon. null: Huh?
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