From: Dolgoruki
To : captain_orangutang@trephination.net
Subject : Hello Well, then, monkey-boy. I see that since August 2002, the only person
who applied to be your sidekick was that semi-intelligent human-shaped
watermelon, Null. Since he's obviously out of the question after
breaking both his legs and all three of his arms whilst trying to glue
himself to the outside of the Space Needle, and since 2.8333 years is
a rather long time to wait, I have taken it upon myself to join you in
your glorious crusade for banana splits, safe streets and whatever the
hell else pops into your crack-addled excuse for a mind. What? You
don't smoke crack? Well, why the hell not? It's better for you than
poking your eyeballs out with your own toenail clippings, and more fun
than throwing stool samples at U.S. ex-Presidents! Sidekick Application 1. Full Name: Grant Schlingbottom the Elder, but my friends just call
me Schlingbutt. 2. Aliases: Oh, dammit. I've screwed this up already. 3. Job: Painter of erotic Bible scenes. 4. Hobbies: Staring blindly into the Sun, torturing hairless midgets
in my custom-built cellar... you know, the usual. 5. Motto: To boldly go where no man has ever wanted to go before! In
the name of Dog, the God of Dyslexia! 6. Sex (and anyone answering "yes please" will be tracked down and
made to feel the full fury of the fuzzy fists of fury): I was a
haemaphrodite. Then I got a sex change. 7. Age: Old enough to know better, young enough not to care, and
middle-aged enough to waste all my money on useless crap. 8. Official Bird: Cor, that Margaret Thatcher, she's a well fit bird,
innit? What? Oh, sorry... the Nepalese Great Honking Albatross. 9. Religion: Schlingbuttism. Little do you know, in five years, you
will all be worshipping me... 10. Nigerian ID Number: 8054-21796-0297-XD. Actually, that's the
Nigerian bank account where the nice man asked me to put my money. I
hope he calls back soon. 11. Favorite Tree: You know that big one, in the park? The one with
all the leaves, and branches, and stuff? That one. 12. Landmarks Visited: Ayer's Rock, the Sydney Harbour Bridge, the
Giant Jizz-Stain of Null's Bedroom Wall. 13. Race: 1200 metres. 14. Species: Goatseus Arseholeus. 15. Nicknames: Granty-Wanty-Panty, The Schlinger of Butts, 'Oi, dickhead!' 16. Planet of Origin: The third rock from the Sun. It's not a planet,
it's a piece of Venus that fell off. 17. IQ: 338925785. Oh wait, I thought that was a typo for ICQ. In that case, -6. 18. Yearly Income: Two giant sanitary napkins and a semi-peeled green apple. * Are you a known sexual predator?
No, I'd probably be considered sexual prey. * Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Yes, but only in Mogadishu and Adis Ababa. * Are there any current warrants for your arrest?
No, they all say shoot to kill. * Have you ever made someone cry?
Yes, your mother last night! MWAHAHAHA! * Have you ever abused a plush doll and then ripped it to shreds in a
moment of self-recrimination?
No. I abuse plush dolls and then frame them for my grandchildren. * Have you ever visited Nova Scotia? If yes, what did your kidnappers
look like?
What kind of a stupid name for a place is that? I don't think that
place even exists. Get off the acid, or at least send me some. * Do you have a moral objection to hot girl on girl action? If yes,
what kind of moron are you? (e.g. idiot, dweeb, numbskull, 'tard, or
complete and utter waste of any and all resources that have somehow
contributed to you living as long as you have)
Only if I don't get to see it, direct it, or if my family members are
in it. You may laugh, but wait till it happens to you. * Do you own a car? If yes, how many tires does it have?
No, I own a motorbike with four wheels and eight tyres. * Are you currently in debt to the sum of $47,983.82?
Yes. It was an expensive motorbike. * Would you kill Peter Jennings, given a chance?
Who? * Have you ever been a White House intern?
Yes, and let me tell you, the stains never come out. * Are you feeling blue? If yes, what shade?
Hmmm... I don't know if it's 'turquoise' or 'aquamarine'. Screw it,
I'll settle for 'yellow'. * Do you remember Megatron's first line to Unicron in Transformers: The Movie?
It was probably, "Hello." * Have you ever participated in a ritual execution?
I refuse to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate myself. * Do you prefer paper to plastic?
Only when talking about sex toys. * Have you ever served in the military? If yes, include which country,
your rank, and your favorite method of going AWOL.
No, I object to war. People shouldn't kill other people, they should
kill celebrities and politicans. * Do you, like Null, enjoy reading and writing homo-erotic A-Team fan fiction?
Ooh, Null, send me yours, quick! * Do you believe in Santa Claus?
Believe in him? I slapped him with a dead trout once! Mind you, he
deserved it for not giving me the "Big Bumper Book of Ways to Debase
All Ethnicities At Once" that I asked for. * Have you ever worked at Dairy Queen? If yes, did you ever add
"something extra" to the Blizzards?
No, but if I had, I would have. I'm just the kind of sick bastard to
pour in twenty-four bottles of Tabasco. * Is the square root of 289 17?
Maybe. Shutup. * If you were a tree, would you be a banana tree?
No. The homo-erotic imagery is too much for me. * Do you prefer plastic to paper?
Yes. I can mold plastic into the visage of John C. Sunol, and then
stick it where the sun don't shine. (BTW, you think it's bad enough
emailing the man? Try talking to him. I could get more sense out of a
rabid leopard encased in concrete.) * Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the American Communist Party?
Being an Australian, I doubt very much that they would let me in.
Anyway, as some old fool said, 'I wouldn't want to be a part of any
group that would have me.' But that's because he was a loser with no
friends. * Can you bench press 3.4 times your body weight?
Bench-press 24,823 kg? Are you nuts? * Have you ever fantasized about a member of your family? If yes, can
you please inform my co-workers that it's not that uncommon?
Give me your address. I'll put you out of your misery. * Do you like bananas? I mean, really like them? Really? Would you
marry a banana?
Only if it was your banana. Remember, if it's not Captain
Orangutang's, it's not worth peeling! Please write back soon.. I'm so lonely, and this teepee made from t.p.
is so dark... I just want someone to talk to... and possibly mutilate
and discard their body at a later date... possibly | 
